


To raise a hand

by ThistleKat



Category: Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: F/M, Spanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-25
Packaged: 2018-07-29 20:48:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7698865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThistleKat/pseuds/ThistleKat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Claire discovers a new kind of pleasure.<br/>[...] I felt anxious, and very much so, but I’d given in to my desire - now I wanted to be consumed by it. [...]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is very NSFW, and among other things, deals with whipping. If that’s not your thing and you hated Jamie in 1x09, you probably shouldn’t read this.
> 
> For everyone else - I’ve always felt this aspect of their relationship fascinating, and since I couldn’t find a fic, decided to write one on my own.
> 
> The beginning (italic) is taken from Chapter 47 of ABOSAA, which I abridged and changed infinitesimally to maintain legibility.  
> Claire is afraid for Malva, which triggers Jamie recalling how he once caught his sister in the act (of enjoying a beating by her husband).  
> I don’t own anything of it, all credits go to Herself, Diana Gabaldon.
> 
> I did not, in any way, change the meaning of Claire’s words - so for me, it’s all there. We know Jamie enjoyed to beat her, but this is my attempt to depict Claire’s feelings. 
> 
> For me personally, there’s more to it than the physicality. It’s also about very deliberately yielding your own will to that of another person, because you’d trust them with your life.
> 
> Finally, my mother tongue is German, I’m sorry for any mistakes or queerly used words. And I’m grateful for your feedback!

_He smiled a little, got up, and came toward me. He reached down and pulled me to my feet, then took hold of my wrists, which he lifted gently over my head and pinned against the trunk of the pine I had been sitting under, so that I was obliged to lean back flat against it._

_“I would own you, mo nighean donn.”_

_“Own me?” I said. “And what, exactly, do you mean by that?”_

_“What I say.” There was still a gleam of humor in his eyes, but his voice was serious. “Ye’re mine, Sassenach. And I would do anything I thought I must to make that clear.”_

_The corner of his mouth lifted slightly, and the pressure of his grip on my trapped wrists increased. His eyes were deep blue, an inch from mine._

_His other hand touched me lightly - no more than a brush of my earlobe, but that was quite enough. He could touch me anywhere - in any way._

_I wasn’t merely shamefully aroused at the thought of physical possession; I was bloody deliriously weak-kneed with desire at the notion, and my hips swayed outward, brushing his._

_“If ye asked me, Sassenach, to free ye -” he whispered, “d’ye think I’d do so?”_

_I took a deep breath; deep enough that my breasts brushed his chest, he stood so close, and realization welled up in me._

“What if I don’t want to be freed?”

He clearly hadn’t expected me to retort like that. His features at once assembled the calm mask that would hide his strong feelings from almost everyone in the world - but not from his wife.

I noticed his almost imperceptible trembling against me, saw the shock in his eyes, felt his breath quicken, could all but see the thoughts racing in his mind. 

Thoughts of the last minutes of our conversation, maybe, and the implications thereof. 

But maybe, as did I, he thought of a night a lifetime ago. A night spent at an inn in Doonesbury, as a still very newly-wed couple. A night when he had shown me for the first time just what it _could_ mean to be owned by Jamie Fraser.

Apparently, he did.

“Sassenach. The last time…” He trailed off, eyes turned down, carefully choosing his words. “I willna ever forget it. Ye threatened to cut my heart out with my own dirk and eat it for breakfast – “

“Should you ever raise your hand to me in rebellion or anger again. Yes, I recall that just fine, and your oath as well.” I finished his sentence for him, growing restless, and tried to bring his body closer to mine by sheer will, as my hands were still trapped. 

As always, he sensed my need, and inched nearer still. He cocked his head just a bit, waiting, his slanted eyes narrowed and boring into mine, his jaw clenched, the lines of his mouth tight. Daring me to continue.

“Only…” I cleared my throat, suddenly gone dry under his scrutiny. I was very much afraid of my next words. Jamie was my loving husband, but he was also towering over me, his fierce strength in no way a match for my own. Capable of overpowering me in an instant.

I was afraid, but I couldn’t possibly hold them down, either. Didn’t want to anyway.

“Only it wouldn’t be in rebellion or anger… this time, would it?” 

His breath escaped him in a gasp at that, and he pressed his eyes shut, leaning into me so that his forehead touched mine. 

When he opened them again, it was me that gasped. For his blue gaze was one of bone deep hunger, raw lust and wants unfulfilled. It pierced me, reaching all the dark, hidden depths of body and soul, unveiling myself completely to him. 

How many times had he looked at me in a desire so glaring that it made me blush from head to toe? How many times had he ravished me with his eyes, heedless of anyone who might see, heedless of anything but me? 

Countless times. And yet, I had never seen him quite like this. Unbearable, molten heat spread through my limbs, and I knew my gaze couldn’t differ much from his.

“No. It won’t.”, he growled at last, and I was up in his arms.


	2. Chapter 2

We made it to the Big House without encountering a single soul, which was a bloody good thing, I thought. Neither Jamie nor I would have been able to talk.

He set me down in the kitchen eventually, his hands dropping to my waist, and listened intently. The room was abandoned, as Mrs. Bug had excused herself for the day. Brianna and Roger were away too. Jamie checked his study, but came back soon enough. It wasn’t necessary to check my surgery, no one would dare to enter _that_ room without me.

It was late in the afternoon, but the sun still shone warmly, luring everyone outdoors. We were alone. Everything felt quiet and peaceful - had it not been for the excessively loud beating of my heart.

Jamie stood before me, at the foot of the stairs. A faint smile of invitation was on his lips, and he held his hand out to me. The tension was palpable, and whatever was left of my wits argued to stay where I was, to think this through, to simply not do what I was about to. My heart, however, cried out to Jamie. I stepped forward to take his hand, and he led the way to our room.

Once inside, he leaned me against the door in a second, lining my body with his. I tilted my head upwards even as his mouth sought mine, and parted my lips for him. He kissed me like he was in a fever, not quite in control of himself, and his breath felt as hot as if he actually was. He kindled the need within me in such a skilled way that I started to moan into him, feverish myself, biting his lip for emphasis.

Jamie drew back at that, shaking his head slightly, trying to compose himself again. 

“Will ye truly allow me to…”, he ventured after some moments, but broke off, suddenly shy, and traced his hands over my body instead. I decided to speak before I lost my own resolution, taking his face firmly in my hands. 

“Jamie. I trust you, and it’s true - you do own me.” I whispered, proud that my voice had quavered only slightly. It quavered a lot now. 

“Please show me.” 

Jamie swallowed audibly, and slowly took a few steps backward into the room, his eyes never leaving mine. If he was trying to, he utterly failed at hiding his emotions.

“In all the ways I see fit?” He asked, his voice barely audible, hoarse.

 _All the ways_ , indeed. I simply did not have the breath to answer. The heat I’d felt earlier returned to full extent at his simple question, and it seared me from within. I knew I was already wet for him, and I wanted him to know too - or did I? 

Apart from the fact that it scared me badly to reveal to him - and to myself - just how much I relished his power over me, there was still some small part of me that fought against it.

That fought for reason, that loathed the idea of submission, that found the whole notion of dominance terribly archaic, that felt like betraying the fight for equality - but it wasn’t at all about that, was it? 

He cleared his throat once, interrupting my frantic thoughts, and I opened my eyes, only now realizing I’d closed them.

“Ye’ll be at my disposal, then?” Jamie asked again, and there was steel in his voice.

I merely managed to nod.


	3. Chapter 3

“Good.” 

I was reasonably sure he hadn’t noticed he had spoken at all. He licked his lips unconsciously, and his eyes were fixed on my body. Bloody hell, what was he thinking? Growing uneasy, I took a small step forward. That brought his eyes back up to mine, at least.

“Undress, then?” 

It was phrased as a question, and the corner of his mouth lifted slightly, but it was a command no less. He sat back on the foot of our bed, and waited. He made no move to undress himself, and clearly didn’t mean to help me in the process.

I took a deep breath to steady myself, took a few more steps into the middle of the room, and obeyed. My hands were trembling terribly, and I fumbled on the multitude of laces and knots that my bodice and skirts provided. Kingdom for a zipper. 

_Christ, she’s shaking._

A soft clank brought my gaze up again. Jamie watched with rapt attention as the pieces of clothing fell to the floor - and he had just unbuckled his belt. He kept his hand where he’d laid it down next to him, and cocked an eyebrow in my direction.

I ought to have foreseen it would come to this. Hadn’t I wished for it? Wasn’t it the sole reason we were here? And still, _still_ , fear welled up in me. 

I remembered his hands on me, roughly pinning me to the ground, stripping me bare against my will. Remembered the feeling of fighting with all my might - to no avail. Remembered being defenceless and helpless - at his mercy. I was at his mercy, now.

It wasn’t helpful at all that fear mingled with arousal. 

“Claire.” 

His eyes searched my face, and one look in his was enough. I nodded ever so slightly, and the haunted expression left his face. Then I released the last knot on my corset, and stood before him in my shift. 

He stood up slowly, taking me in, and went to my back. I drew myself up straight, and he chuckled, face nuzzled in my hair. I knew what seeing me in my shift did to him, and the knowledge only added to the wetness between my thighs. As did his presence behind me. 

I tried to watch him over my shoulder, but he gently pushed my head back, stopping to kiss my neck. To bite my neck. As I gasped, he withdrew his teeth much too fast and buried his hands in my curls instead. He piled them up and let them fall down again, just for the pleasure of doing so. 

It was all deliberately innocent, but I knew it wouldn’t stay that way for long. 

All over, my skin tingled in anticipation, awaiting his touch. I felt anxious, and very much so, but I’d given in to my desire - now I wanted to be consumed by it. As if he’d read my thoughts, Jamie swiftly untied the ribbon of my shift and slid his hand beneath the flimsy cloth. 

It pooled around my feet, and he rested one hand on my hip, pressing me close to him. There was no mistaking _that_ hardness. I felt his chest vibrate with silent laughter at my gasp, and then he cupped my breasts in his hands, his breath hitching on the skin of my neck.

He wasted no time, alternating between soft strokes and rough kneading, and I was putty in his hands. I moaned as he shifted his attention to my nipples, making sure they stood hard for their master. He kissed my shoulders as he pinched and drew small patterns around them, then dug his nails in the sensitive flesh. I gasped again, and he pulled them gently between two fingers. Not so gently. 

I tried to follow his pull, but he had slid one hand across my waist, preventing me from escaping the sensation. I made a distressed noise, but he continued to tantalize me. Then, rather abruptly, he turned me round and kissed me soundly. Only now, I realized how much I’d longed for his lips.

We broke apart breathless, and the look in his eyes sent shivers down my spine.

“Hand me my belt, aye?” 

He spoke harshly, and my heart thumped against my chest. No turning back now. I picked the old, worn thing off and stopped briefly to wonder what the devil I was doing. But my body had long since decided for me.

_She really did it._

Jamie breathed deeply as he took the belt from me, and I drew strength from the fact that the shaking of his hands echoed mine. Then he brought his eyes up to mine, burning. He barely held on, I saw. But he needed confirmation, permission first. I gave it to him.

As soon as I had, he whirled me round with his right hand, then trailed it over my body again, and nudged my legs apart. After that he took my right hand in his, and slowly lifted it to rest against one post of our canopy bed.

He proceeded likewise with my left arm, and had me where he wanted. I stood in the middle of the room, completely naked where he was completely clad, slightly bent-forward, hands braced on either post, legs parted. Utterly exposed to him.

_A Dhia._

He was silent, save for his ragged breathing, and it unnerved me greatly that he was at my back. I could just about make him out on my right. _Of course_ , my wrecked nutter of a brain pointed out, _he’ll strike with his strong arm_.

Something touched my thigh, and I hissed in shock. Then I understood. He grazed my skin with the leather, and gooseflesh rippled instantly wherever he dragged it over my legs, my back - my buttocks. He held it there for a moment, and I could almost physically feel the piercing look in his eyes. I let out a shaky breath, trying to brace myself.

He stepped back. 

There was a faint hiss of air, and then the lash of my husband’s belt bit angrily into my skin. My head shot up and I silently contorted my face. Hot white pain spread from the welt Jamie had produced. I gulped for air, trembling all over. Somehow, I prevented myself from crying out. Yet. I knew this was only the beginning. 

_Ifrinn. The sight of her…_

The immediate wave of agony left me, and I dizzily took stock of myself, breathing hard. I couldn’t observe rationally in any way anymore, so I let myself feel. There was a powerful, dark rush cursing through my body, shutting out everything else, overwhelming me completely. It took me some moments to recognize it as pleasure. 

A pleasure so deep that it outweighed all pain he’d inflicted on me. A pleasure I felt only because of the pain he’d inflicted on me. 

If I could trust myself, his first blow had me aching for more. 

I slowly came back to myself, and became aware of Jamie waiting behind me. He breathed fast, and his right hand hung in the air between us, as if he couldn’t decide whether to touch me or not. He gave me one more chance to change my decision. 

“More.”, I whispered, softly at first. There was no reaction. “Jamie, more!” 

I heard him groan, and his belt met my skin again. Much harder this time, and I cried out, gripping the posts until my knuckles went white. I panted desperately, and wondered idly how much time he’d give me now. Some, apparently. Again, excruciating pain slowly fainted to pleasure, and I unclenched my muscles. Until he lashed me again, and I groaned through my teeth. 

_Oh lass!_

His next strokes followed in rapid succession, delivered with considerable, but calculated strength. He clearly wanted to find my limits. Each time, he waited through the first seconds of my agony, when I’d cry and stamp my foot or writhe in vain. When he’d sense my easing, he’d whip me anew. 

Still, I never knew when he’d hit me again. He varied the length of my respite, and the waiting drove me mad, even if it was a matter of seconds. By now, I was barely able to compose myself between blows. I felt burning, tingling welts from the small of my back to my upper thighs, neatly lined. From the pain they radiated, there couldn’t be much unmarred skin left between them. 

Jamie had already trashed me thoroughly, but I knew we were finished only when he said so. 

Suddenly, he was behind me again, and I felt his breath on my neck. Then he wiped away the stray tears on my cheeks, and I heard him swallow. He traced his hands down my body, and then he lightly settled them on my arse. I let out the breath I’d been holding. 

My skin was on fire, but it was nothing compared to the blaze within me. 

He gripped me firmly now, and I whimpered at the new sensation. It took me some moments to adapt to it, but the feeling of his hands on the marks he’d just inflicted maddened me. I couldn’t help but moan and lean into his touch. Jamie made a choked sound of his own, and then he brought my right hand behind my back. I knew what he wanted, and found his cock soon enough. He was hard as stone. 

“If only ye could see yerself.”, he whispered into my ear, voice rough and dark. He gasped as I started to rub him, but withdrew himself soon after. 

“Not yet, Sassenach.” He paused, and squeezed my buttocks again. 

“How much can ye stand…” He sounded lost in thought, and I swallowed. I didn’t think he’d meant to speak aloud, and fervently hoped he came to the same conclusion as I - that I couldn’t stand much more. There was another pause. 

“Tell me - how many more strokes do ye wish for?” 

That confused me. I thought I’d heard the grin in his voice, but that couldn’t be, surely? It took a long moment for my brain to fully process what he’d said. 

Then I latched onto it. The bastard. 

If I’d name a ridiculously low number of strokes, say, three - he’d simply make them count. I thought of all the times I’d seen him use his full strength on someone - and wasn’t at all sure that I _ever_ wanted to experience being that someone. 

And if I gave in to my pride and wished for fifty more lashes of his belt - then so be it, and I would have to endure every single one of them, because I’d asked for them. 

“Twenty.” I spat out at last. 

“Twenty? Aye, that’s a verra bonny number.” 

His voice was light, but there was something much darker underneath - something I knew well by now. And damn it all to hell, I wanted him to get on with it! 

I heard him double-up the leather, and soon after his belt landed on my bruised arse again. He’d lashed me vertically this time, and the sensation of the newly crossed welts made me howl in agony. My sardonic mind thought that there would be a nice pattern tomorrow. 

I had no time for more helpful thoughts, because he struck me again, and then again after that until he’d delivered five strokes to my left buttock, merely a second between them. It hurt like holy hell. 

Thankfully, he gave me a little break after this last ordeal. I whimpered as the pain slowly, slowly receded - and I couldn’t help myself, pleasure overtook me again. Just the thought of him behind me, thinking about his next move, his cock so hard because of me… 

He’d shifted his attention to my right buttock, and treated it as he treated the left one. I couldn’t stop my cries, but I moaned as well. Again, he left me time to regain composure. Ten more strokes. 

Twice the belt landed on my upper thighs, twice on the small of my back, just above my buttocks. One more time, he struck them squarely. I heaved huge breaths, but I could cope with the pain. I endured for him. 

I wondered what exactly he’d do with his last strokes, and heard him move. Apparently, he wondered as well. Then he stood himself right behind me, panting almost as heavily as I did, and touched my collarbone with his right hand. He slowly trailed it down my back - and skipped my arse. 

My breathing hitched as he found his way between my thighs. I was now literally dripping wet for him. He caressed the damp skin of my thighs and then closed his palm over my sex. He growled as he felt my arousal. My knees buckled, and I sighed at his gentle touch. 

“Spread your legs, Sassenach.” 

I obligingly did so, because I wanted nothing more than his hands on me, soothing my hurt. 

I froze. It wasn’t his hand that touched me now. I felt the leather of his belt against my swollen flesh. Five more strokes. I tried to close my legs again, and stumbled to protest. 

“Jamie! I - ” 

“Hush, woman. Up to your knees, on the bed.” 

_Just yield to me, mo Sorcha._

I half fell to the position he ordered, trembling fiercely, and I knew I fought with me rather than with Jamie. I had inflicted all of this on myself, now did I have the strength to go through with it? I hoped I did. 

He stood behind me, his large hands on my waist, and it took all in me not to flinch as he drew me nearer to him and gingerly opened my legs. My heart raced, and I buried my face in one of our quilts. I thought I’d choke on the humiliation. 

He drew one deep breath, and brought his belt down on my sex. 

I forgot all about my previous thoughts. Yes, I was exposed to him in every possible way there was, and yes, maybe that was a humiliation and maybe I should be outraged by it and maybe I was, but neither of that mattered one single bit now. 

All I could think of was him. All I felt, all that remained of the world, was the burst of flame he’d created where the leather had seared my skin. The pain took my breath away, but the rush I’d felt with his earlier strokes returned. Pleasure built slowly, and not without shock I realized what would happen if he kept lashing me. 

His next blow caught me off guard, and I gritted my teeth. I shook violently, but thrust out my bottom to him. I needed more. He gave it to me, and I cried myself hoarse. 

He waited mere seconds, and struck me for the fourth time. It was tentative, and I rather thought he knew I teetered on the edge. My whole body was taut, my heart pounded, my pulse raced. I closed my eyes and moaned with the throbbing, tingling, burning between my legs. I couldn’t stand it any longer. 

“Jamie.” I begged breathless, and he lashed me hard. 

I screamed, and then the sheer force of my orgasm blocked out everything else. Each stroke he’d inflicted on me culminated in that second. The dark rush I was accustomed to by now turned to an all-consuming, flaring fire. It spread through my body until every fibre of my being was filled with pleasure. 

I heard Jamie making various strangled sounds behind me, and the next thing I knew was the feeling of his thighs against my bruised skin. He shoved me forward on the bed, and I knew he’d take me right then and there. God, yes. 

_I’ll have her now, or die._

The wool of his plaid scratched against my sore arse as he lifted it, and then he sheathed himself into me. I groaned at his penetration, and gasped in shock as sensation overlapped. The waves of my release hadn’t left me yet, and with each hard thrust he inevitably pressed into my marks. 

He rode me ruthlessly, gripping my waist for purchase, and I met his every thrust with my hips, giving in to the pleasure I knew he’d give me once more. 

We were both panting, our bodies covered in sweat. Jamie redoubled his efforts, and my muscles started to clench around him. He felt it and groaned, and thrust harder still until I couldn’t take it no more, cried his name in ecstasy and collapsed under him. I heard him cry harshly in turn as he spilled himself into me, and then my vision faded to black. 


	4. Chapter 4

I opened my eyes. The room was quite dark, and I kept still, surveying. I lay sprawled on the quilts, facedown. I still felt so dazed… There was a munching sound on my left. Munching? I couldn’t ponder longer on that, because I slowly became aware of my backside. My arse felt absurdly cold, but at the same time it _burned ___. Why –

Oh. 

I scrambled to my knees in a flurry. I thereby startled Jamie, who leapt from the bed. Ah, the munching. It was a rather pretty picture, as he still had a bannock halfway stuffed into his mouth - and he was stark naked. The warm light from the lit candles shone on his graceful torso, illuminating the hair on his chest and thighs. 

“Christ, Sassenach!” He fell back onto the bed, and grinned widely as he saw my smile. He wordlessly handed me another bannock and some cheese, and I happily joined him in the munching, sitting in companionable silence for a while. 

“I’m glad ye’re awake now.” 

“How long exactly have I been sleeping?” 

“Oh, ye had me fair worried. After… Well, ye almost dropped dead, and I thought what a big clotheid I must be, to kill my wife while making love to her.” 

I snorted with mirth at that, spreading crumbs all over my thighs, and he turned away, chuckling himself. 

“But then I tried to listen for yer breathing, as you do it sometimes, and sure enough, as soon as I’d gathered you in my arms, ye were snoring peacefully.”

“I _don’t_ snore!” 

__“Aye, ye do. Anyway, by that time I thought it wouldn’t do much harm to leave ye for a bit, so I went down and fetched something to eat.”_ _

__I was chewing on the last bits of that something in this moment, and I was just about to thank him for his thoughtfulness when he continued._ _

“And something for your… for _my_ marks.” His voice broke a little on the last words. I was momentarily speechless, surprised by the sudden change of his tone. Jamie avoided my eyes, and reached around to retrieve the wet cloth that I’d discarded in my scramble to get up. He dropped it in a bucket of water next to the bed - that’s where the cold had come from. 

There really wasn’t much cold left now, and his words had brought my attention back to my bruises. The pain was still there, of course, but it wasn’t as fierce as when he’d just lashed me. I couldn’t grasp the feeling entirely, but it was like a constant strain, maybe. It mixed with a slight tingling, especially when I thought back on how he’d delivered the welts. For the flesh between my legs though, _sensitive_ would be an understatement. Still, it definitely wasn’t altogether unpleasant. 

____Jamie must have watched as I’d shifted experimentally, but he misinterpreted my sounds and movements completely. He scowled and distorted his mouth, breathing harshly, angrily tapping his fingers against his thigh._ _ _ _

____“God, I canna even bear to look at you that way, writhing about! I ken ye canna sit properly, Sassenach, I saw -”_ _ _ _

____“Jamie.” I interrupted him, seeing where this would lead us. He didn’t give me a chance to explain my feelings, though._ _ _ _

____“No, Claire. Christ. I’ve seen it! What I did to ye. All because… Let me at least tend to you now. I’ve brought the lot o’ yer salves from the surgery, seein’ as I didna know which one might be best for the… occasion. Ye only need to tell me though, and I’ll bring in more cold water from the spring, or anything else ye might -“_ _ _ _

____“JAMIE!” I shouted at the top of my lungs, because I genuinely considered this the only way to stop my babbling husband._ _ _ _

____He was halfway to the nightstand across the room, which was indeed littered with quite possibly all my salves. Oh, Jamie. At my outburst, he’d stopped in his tracks and was now finally looking into my eyes. He was shocked, that was apparent, but the underlying fear was what squeezed my heart. He expected to be rejected. He thought I had finally succumbed to the wrath he felt he deserved, and now I wouldn’t even allow him to come near me again._ _ _ _

____I couldn’t stand that expression on his face, so I quickly stood up and walked to him._ _ _ _

____“Did you not say you were making love to me earlier?”_ _ _ _

____I held his face firmly in my hands, and rejoiced internally as the anguish vanished at once. I kissed him, chastely, just as he was about to voice another protest. He finally stilled, awaiting my next words. I let my hands wander over his chest, his shoulders, and his strong arms. Then I took both of his hands in mine, and settled them on my arse. His eyes bulged, and I saw the wild pulse beating in his neck._ _ _ _

____“And are those not the marks of your love?”_ _ _ _

____He closed his eyes shut, and finally allowed himself to touch my bruises. I held still, relishing the tender brush of his fingers. His breathing sped up, and I rose on my tiptoes to kiss his slightly parted lips, but he spoke again._ _ _ _

“ _Mo nighean donn._ Ye know I’d gladly kill any other man who’d even try to do such a thing to you?” 

_____“God knows, I know. That’s precisely why you’re allowed to do that to me.”_ _ _ _ _

_____He smiled wryly, but I could see the pain in his eyes. He was fighting with himself._ _ _ _ _

_____“It’s…” Jamie was so remarkably shy in the whole matter that I felt myself reminded of our wedding night. He toyed with one of my curls now, and I waited for whatever plagued his mind, anxious to quell his doubts._ _ _ _ _

_____“It’s no fair, Sassenach!” He continued in a fierce whisper, as if he wouldn’t dare to speak such things aloud. His forehead touched mine, and he held my hands in his._ _ _ _ _

“There I stand, lashin’ my belt, and ye scream and writhe and whimper with it - and I ken I should stop at once, but my cock throbs so badly I canna breath every time ye cry out, and I just want more, and more, and more! And when I had it, and ye lay there on the bed, I couldna think at all because I was so hard and I just _used_ you. And I know ye allowed it and ye endured for me and I love ye for it but Claire, I’m so verra much ashamed!” 

______Oh. Someone had not been paying attention enough. I had thought what I had felt was quite plain - apparently it wasn’t. But I could hardly blame him, because I had screamed, and very loud at that. Only it hadn’t always been in pain. He looked so haunted that I had to release him from his sorrows at once._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Touch me, Jamie. And look at me.” I had to drag his hands to my buttocks again until he eventually complied. He was startled at first, and reluctant, but his eyes darkened soon enough as he realized what his touch did to me._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Now you see.” My voice was husky, and I hoped he would understand what I urgently needed him to understand, because I could be shy in that matters, too._ _ _ _ _ _

“Don’t you know what happened when you hit me that last time?” He held my gaze, brows furrowed, and then his eyes grew wide as realization dawned. “Guess what. And it happened again, while you were _using_ me.” The way I said it made abundantly clear that I indeed had not been used at all. 

_______He moaned faintly, and brought me nearer to him. Then spoke softly against my lips._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______“Ye really liked it that much?” I couldn’t help but chuckle at his incredulous tone and innocent choice of words._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______“Why don’t you see for yourself?” I breathed and brought his hand between my legs, and he gasped as he yet again felt how wet I was._ _ _ _ _ _ _

“God, Sassenach.” And then he nudged my legs apart and showed me just _how_ sensitive I was there. 

________The slightest touch had me shuddering, and soon I rested my weight on him, not trusting my legs anymore. He was careful and gentle, but thorough nonetheless. His thumb caressed my clit every few seconds, and I gasped into his skin. My forehead was pressed against his chest, and I saw that if I was aroused, he certainly was as well._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Jamie, stop. I want to ride you.” I sounded breathless to my own ears, and I felt breathless too, heat blooming in my cheeks. His slanted blue eyes narrowed even more, and he grinned slyly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Then who am I to argue?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And with that, he pulled us both to the bed. We landed with a thud, and I quickly straddled him. I teased him with a few strokes of my hand, relishing the way his chest heaved with silent screams. I leant forward to suckle his nipples, and he moaned, helplessly thrusting his hips for friction. Then his hands roughly grabbed my arse, as if by instinct, searching for a way in. I gasped at the jolt of pain, and his eyes flew open as he realized what he had done. He opened his mouth to apologize, but I stopped him by finally feeding his cock into me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Don’t you bloody stop doing that!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jamie’s face was something to behold. His mouth gaped open, and his eyes were fixed on mine as though he was paralyzed. By shock, apparently. Then he swallowed, wantonness and desire gradually changing his features, bringing a devilish glint to his eyes. He gripped my bottom eagerly, and I started rocking my hips. His eyes were glazed with lust, but he watched me for some moments, like maybe a scholar would. I moved faster under his unblinking stare, and his head fell back involuntarily._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Ye’ll be the death of me, Sassenach.” He panted, now alternately kneading my breasts and buttocks, feverishly claiming my body._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

“The _small_ death.” I corrected, before deciding words were beyond me. 

_________His touch was by no means tentative anymore. He squeezed and pressed the sore skin and he knew he hurt me, but he didn’t stop. Our eyes were locked, and he saw what he did to me. He soaked it all in, only gripping me harder in succession, and I rode him harder because of that. Every touch of his fingers was like searing. I whimpered and he groaned, but we both saw the truth in each other’s eyes - we couldn’t get enough._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“Hit me, Jamie.” I choked out then, before reasoning could stop me. His dark, hungry eyes were piercing me, and I thought I’d come from the look on his face alone. I took him deeper inside me in a frenzy of need, and he gasped. He moved his hands to my waist, stabilizing me, holding me close to him. He pressed down on my clit with the thumb of his right hand, and slapped me hard with his left._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________I was his in that moment, every inch of skin, every nerve, every cell, every fibre of my being - his. All of me, dissolved and drowning in the deep blue pools that were his eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Jamie pushed up on his arms, and we clung to each other, foreheads touching, gripping tight. He had stopped breathing as I had, our release felling us completely. Now, the breath he drew was that of a man drowning. Mine mirrored his, and we slowly came back to ourselves, locked in desperate embrace. He cupped my face with trembling hands, and looked at me with such unutterable tenderness that he took my breath away anew._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________He was mine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	5. Chapter 5

Jamie woke me with a dozen butterfly kisses along my neck. “We’ve slept in, _a nighean_.” I grumbled, reluctant to give up the warmth of our bed and the warmth of his embrace. That we had slept in likely meant it was about half past seven in the morning. More kisses, and chuckling. “Ye’ll need to wake up, I can hear Mrs. Bug clattering downstairs and I thought I heard Bree and Roger Mac too.”

I opened my eyes, just a bit, and turned to face him. “Mmphm.” He laughed at my lazy impression of his noises. “Ye’re getting better, Sassenach, I’ll grant ye that.” Then he kissed me, and stood up to roll himself into his kilt. I watched as he carefully pleated the folds of his plaid, and pushed back our quilts. The promise of food woke my spirits.

I had let Jamie tend to me last night, after all. I’d shown him the preferable salve - a pinkish one - and he had turned me to lay on my stomach. Then he’d proceeded to kiss every inch of my back that his leather had touched, and at last had gently massaged the ointment into my skin. By then I was merely able to sigh, and he had finally settled us with his arm over my waist, spoon-fashion. The last I had heard were his gaelic whispers of love in my hair, and then I’d fallen into peaceful, dreamless sleep. And I _had not_ snored.

Jamie helped me tieing my laces now, and I tried valiantly to tame my curls. “Ye look bonny, Sassenach, let’s go. D’ye think there’s honey?” 

Of course there was honey. And he was right about Bree and Roger as well, I could hear Jem from the top of the stairs. When we finally entered the kitchen, the usual domestic pandemonium reigned. Jamie kissed his daughter on the cheek, and clapped Roger heartily on his back, before ruffling through Jem’s red hair. He sat and Mrs. Bug promptly shoved bannocks onto his plate. 

I hung back a little, and wished my family a good morning. “What is it you’re reading, sweetheart?”, I asked Bree, slowly edging nearer to the hearth. Jamie had engaged Roger in talk about the day’s tasks by now, and Jem happily buttered his father’s plate.

“Oh, that’s from Johns latest parcel! I really need to thank him, it’s… Mom? What do you want with those rags?”

Damn. At Brianna’s exclamation, all heads turned towards me. Jamie turned beet-red as he saw me with the ragged plaid we kept near the hearth. No, I would not sit down on the bare wood, and if it cost me my dignity. 

“Oh nothing, it’s just…” My head was completely empty, but Jamie thankfully came to my rescue.

“Yer Mam slipped and fell on her arse yesterday, while watering her wee herbs.” He hurried through the words, and looked down as I sat myself next to him - it was tolerable - and continued buttering his bannock, just a bit too vigorously.

“Oh. That’s bad.” Brianna, bless her, hadn’t noticed. She took a big bite of her own food, and turned her attention back to the novel in front of her, oblivious of her surroundings. Bless John. I gave Jamie a reassuring squeeze of his knee under the table, and thought I’d be able to eat my breakfast - bless Mrs. Bug - in peace. Then I happened to look in Rogers direction.

To say he looked like the cat that got the cream would have been a drastic understatement. He grinned from ear to ear, and seemed to be barely suppressing a good, loud laugh. Jamie chose this moment to look up, and Roger silently observed the two of us, smirk pasted on his face. Jamie was still beet-red, gradually turning a deeper shade under his gaze, and I rather thought my glass face wouldn’t help either. Roger finally cocked an eyebrow in Jamie’s direction, then nodded his head to me. I couldn’t help but smirk myself. Jamie exhaled, briefly looked at me, and nodded infinitesimally to Roger. Busted.

Just as he finally started to crack up, Jem knocked over his milk. Bless Jem. The ensuing racket left us a brief moment of shared embarrassment outside.

“Oh bloody hell.”

“Aye, well. At least he willna drag us to confession. I think.”

“Didn’t he do just that right now? We should rehearse a better excuse next time.”

“Next time?” Jamie drew me in his arms, smiling contentedly.

“Next time.” I confirmed, and he brought his lips down to kiss me.

We held each other tight, and silently shared all the things that words mostly couldn’t convey in any case.


End file.
